5 Reasons Why Children Are Actually Zombies
Two-and-a-half years ago I made a terrifying discovery, a discovery that would have remained a mystery to me for all of my days had I not grown and harvested this little creature to the left. I’ve come to many conclusions about this planet since becoming the owner of a Teno Slater, but the one I wish to share with you today is this: Children are zombies. And I have 5 facts to prove it:
1. One-track minds. I wouldn’t go so far as to say a zombie has a thought process. A goal, maybe. A primal need? Sure. Same goes for children. Be it “Dora! Doooooorrrrrraaaaa!” or “Chocolate milk! Chooooclate Miiiiiiiilk!” They know what they want and they know how to get it.
2. Strength in numbers. One zombie, to most of us, is pretty scary- but we can handle it. Maneuver around it, smash a broom into it’s skull- whatever. But like, five zombies? Oh shit. The best laid plans of mice and men often get their brains eaten. Same goes for babies. One baby is kind of too many, with the shitting and the crying and whatnot. But it’s not too much for a relatively clever adult to figure out. Five babies? I’m pretty sure I’d kill myself over five babies way faster than I would over five zombies. In this case, children might actually be worse than zombies.
3. Breaking everything. Zombies don’t care that you just dropped $10k on a new bay window. They do care, however, that you’re dog’s in the house and his intestines smell good. Smash, smash and it’s bye-bye Fido. You’re out a doggy, a damn expensive window and probably some family members. Tonight Teno tried to take my iPhone into the bathtub. In his short life, he’s broken a Blackberry, a digital camera, several dishes and the remote. He’s also lost the knob for the air conditioner, strewn my husband’s shoelaces all over the house (he has like, 300 pairs of Nikes) and colored on basically everything I own. So it’s not as pricy as a full-blown zombie invasion, but it’s pretty annoying either way.
4. The pulling. If you’ve seen Day of the Dead you know that one of the more brutal ways to die at the hands of a zombie is by being pulled apart. Maybe they twist off your head and carry it away, spine still intact- or maybe you’d prefer to be split right down the middle, leaving a long, stringy trail of entrails down the hallway. Either way, the pulling will get to you sooner or later. Same goes with children. From pulling your pants down while you’re cooking dinner to pulling your hair while you’re changing their diapers, kids love to pull on you. If they were strong enough to scamper off with your arm they would, happily.
5. Unfounded likability. We should not like zombies. And yet we love them. Throughout the years they’ve symbolized post-Vietnam race relations, Nazis, consumerism, rapists, the apocalypse and more. I doubt there has ever been a monster so symbolic in popular culture, one that has single-handedly represented every fear in every person. And yet- we gladly hand over $9 to view their latest escapades every few months. We name them Bub and develop weird crushes on them (or maybe that’s just me.) We relate to them, empathize, even feel sorry for them at times when they go hungry or get slaughtered with a lawn mower. Meanwhile, kids mosey about, as selfish and rude as they are sticky and helpless. They take all our money, make it so we can’t go anywhere anymore, ruin every dining experience outside of the drive-thru and eventually, in the teenage years- tell us that they hate us. And yet we love them. Not only do we love them, but we actually make more of them. Insidious.